My brain says no but my pants say off.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
