are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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