she looked like the before picture.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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