Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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