I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
