I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
