Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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