she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Randomize
