Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
