I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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