Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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