im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
