don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
