Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
