Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
