Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I just googled if crying burns calories
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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