So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Randomize
