ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
