she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
