6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
