Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
