i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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