Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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