My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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