I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
