Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
