All I know is that if italians start TIME TRAVELLING were all in a lot of trouble paizon
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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