i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
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