I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
