So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
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