So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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