at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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