No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
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