Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
