Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
not ubering you a puppy
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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