I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Randomize
