she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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