There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Randomize
