since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize