Pants 0. Shit 1.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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