dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Randomize
