I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
