Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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