at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
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