All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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