Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Randomize
