Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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