Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
i need to put some appletini on your dick
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
