Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
organizing the empties. That sober.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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