How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
