C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
