I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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