there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
