I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize