if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
