I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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