you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
