i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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