Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
I want to walk on stilts...naked
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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