My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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