i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
