My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
