I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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