he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize