Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
