When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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