totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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