Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
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