we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
