Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
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